Acceptance- Affirming

How strange is it now that I think of it that I didn't mention anything about witnessing Robert Fripp's Soundscape performance at the Somerville Theatre last June. Or maybe I did, I havn't gone back to check what I've written about since I last updated.

Been a while, has it not? It's a bit comforting to think that only one person that I know of will be seeing this post (Khaka), so I feel better about writing things that no one would care to read anyway. It's been pleasent waking up to this grey weather the past few days. I have not had work so I've been able to enjoy it. Upon attempting to figure out a beast of a Bach peice the other night, I somehow managed to hurt the lower right side of my back a great deal. A reasonable person might ask, "How could one render himself nearly immobile just by sitting down?" Well I'll tell you, it wasn't easy. Approxiamately 3 and a half hours of sitting on a hard surface proved to be uncomfortable many times, but I figured if I kept changing my position, no long term damage would occur. How wrong I was. But, I suppose the real question is, was it worth it? Absolutely.
I had a wonderful conversation with a good friend of mine last night, lets call him "Ryan Engley". Now that I don't have the chance to see him very often, our conversations our on somewhat of a bi-monthly system, that has proven itself to be alot more useful than I used to think it would be. We touched on something that we hadn't touched on much before, or at least to the extant that we did last night. Rather than trying to recreate it I'll just write down part of a lecture by G.I. Gurdjieff, that I think sums up the points that were made alot better than either of us could do. This little part of a great book of Mr. Gurdjieff's reasons, phylosophies, questions/answers is about the all too common missconception of what Christianity actually is. Anyway, on with it: "First of all it is necessary to understand that a Christian is not a man who calls himself a Christian or one whom others call a Christian. A Christian is one who lives in accordance with Christ's precepts. Such as we are we cannot be Christians. In order to be Christians we must be able 'to do'. We cannot do; with us everything 'happens'. Christ says, 'Love your enemies,' but how can we love our enemies when we cannot love our friends? Sometimes 'it loves' and sometimes 'it does not love'. Such as we are we cannot even really desire to be Christians because, again, sometimes 'it desires' and sometimes 'it does not desire'. And one and the same thing cannot be desired for long, because suddenly, instead of desiring to be a Christian, a man remembers a very good but very expensive carpet that he has seen in the shop. And instead of wishing to be a Christian he begins to think how he can manage to buy this carpet, forgetting all about Christianity. Or if somebody else does not believe what a wonderful Christian he is, he will be ready to eat him alive or to roast him on hot coals. In order to be a good Christian, one must be. To be means to be master of oneself. If a man is not his own master he has nothing and can give nothing. And he cannot be a Christian. He is simply a machine, an automaton. A machine cannot be a Christian. Think for yourselves, is it possible for a motorcar or a tyoewriter or a gramophone to be a Christian? They are simply things that are controlled by chance. They are not responsible. They are machines. To be a Christian means to be responsible. Responsibility comes later when a man even partially ceases to be a machine, and begins in fact, and not only in words, to desire to be a Christian."
I'd speak more of his work, but I'm not one to speak it.

And so I hit a wall, the exact reason in fact why I havn't updated since last May (I think). Things that I thought perhaps would be worth writing, if only to get them out of the way so that any silly thoughts I may have may be better developed by writing them down and reading them over to see how silly they actually are. Yucka.
How is one supposed to speak to nothing (such as this) and expect to get an answer?
Three ways to notice faults in ourselves: 1. Observe
2. Observe
3. Observe
But where and how to start? My dilema exactly. To hear oneself on a recording= Yucka. To have someone rip apart who you "are" by recognizing a fault in you that they once had, letting you realize that what you "are" now has been dealt with long ago and countless times before in a more successful manner than you are currently handling it= Yucka. Recognizing a fault in others and applying it to yourself= Yucka. All very much "alive and well" Yucka situations, but all very necessary. Yucka yucka.

Now, good and faithful single reader, allow me to remenisce. A few months ago John Colon was with me at my house. It was a slow day, as usual days when we were around eachother were. I, by no particular desire of my own, but almost by the opportunity given, felt it was necessary to sit on my floor, set up a drone (I can't recall the key) with the keyboard, pick up the acoustic I borrowed from PT and begin to play. And so I did. John heard the first few notes and trudged into my room and layed himself down on the terribly uncomfortable futon. As a feeling of affirmation set in by what was unfolding by the notes that seemed to be playing themselves, each note it seemed demanding the next occur, only by myself as a medium by my fairly limited ability to happen. Playing in this way had not really happened before to me, at least not in the way that it seemed it was so well constructed. I kept thinking it had to end soon because it was becoming too real to be of a simple mind and simple situation. When this blessing had passed by, John said only, "That blew my mind". As nice a thing to say as it was, what he failed to recognize was that he was an equal partner in this. In other words, as his field of listening grew, I was able to enter it and listen through his ears. As he accepted it I was able to move around in what he was hearing, and it took on another life. He was not aware of this at the time, but that wouldn't have taken place were he not open to listening to it, and I am very greatful for him to be as open as he was.
"Music MUST be heard to become real."-RF

And now I leave. Food and practicing await.